March to the beat of your own drum

I’ve always wanted to be a musician. Not just someone who tries to make music, but a bona fide, professional musician. I’ve always wanted to be able to express myself through music. No other art form supplies the same level of emotional release.

But alas, this dream has always been thwarted. When I was a teenager, my idea to become an opera singer was very quickly chopped down by my family. In my twenties, my own realization that I didn’t have the technical level to hang with the professionals lead me to give up music altogether -- for 10 years. I’ve tried to replace the need with other things: an engineering career, journalism, linguistics, marriage and family, etc. But nothing has ever worked. I’ve always come back to music.

The birth of my son pulled me out of my long moratorium. In the last year, I have gotten my guitar playing back in shape and started collaborating with a couple of colleagues who have since become great friends of mine. Already, this project is a dream come true as I had never before found people that I was comfortable making music with. But still, I don’t feel like I’m expressing myself artistically.

H is a decent songwriter and during our weekly band practices, the three of us try to put together something that resembles his vision. I’m a little jealous of his ability. For me, the ultimate artistic self-expression is creating new music. And I’ve never felt comfortable doing it. I’ve always found my compositions lame and contrived. I’ve never had the guts to write soul-bearing lyrics.

I thought about getting back into music journalism. Writing is the only art that I’m talented enough at to do professionally. But after a few steps in that direction, I’m beginning to think that I’m once more cutting down my own dream. I want to be a songwriter, so I need to do whatever it takes to become one.

All this stems from an encounter 14 years ago when I met my favorite songwriter, Z. Ever since, he’s been my idol. He’s no virtuoso, but his music is catchy and his lyrics are genuine. His personality comes through, unfiltered. And I’m fascinated by the person I see there. He is uncompromising in marching to the beat of his own drum. I admire his courage and aspire to be more like that. He’s the whole reason I want to be a songwriter.

Just by chance, I discovered that Z is taking an online course in improvisation. So I looked into it and found that the same website offers a class in songwriting for beginners. It really piqued my interest. After perusing the site, I realized that songwriting still scares me. But this is also the perfect opportunity to overcome that fear. Because this time, I’m not going to let anyone convince me that I’m incapable of being a true musician; especially not myself.